The truth about parental brainwashing – and why many of us are guilty of it

Donald Trump’s youngest supporter? Elon Musk’s four-year-old X Æ A-12, apparently. The Tesla founder’s son, whose name is pronounced “ex-ash-ay-12” and who goes by “X” for short, has become a regular on the Trump/Musk circuit of late: carried on his dad’s shoulders during excursions to Capitol Hill to discuss Trump’s government efficiency initiative, DOGE; joining them both at Mar-a-Lago to celebrate New Year’s Eve, if way past the child’s bedtime.

And just last week X stole the limelight from his billionaire dad at Trump’s victory rally in Washington, DC. As the child “followed” his dad onto the main stage as if by accident, Musk proclaimed to the cheering crowds that his son is “a very enthusiastic [Trump] supporter… as you can see”. X then jumped up and down and waved his hands. X’s (alleged) political affiliations were revealed much earlier, though, with Musk posting a clip online last month in which he asked X for political advice. “What should I do?” Musk asked his son, who was strapped into his car seat. “Save America,” X replied, before adding, “help Trump!” Musk captioned the post: “This kid has great instincts.”

Really? It’s shocking how parents use their children to look good, or to reflect their own ideologies. I’ve seen it happen so many times and it never fails to make me gasp. I remember once seeing a yummy mummy and her two-year-old daughter browsing in a designer children’s boutique in Notting Hill. The mum insisted her child had “expensive taste”, looking at me knowingly as said child threw different articles of clothing onto the shop floor – ones she “did like” and ones she “didn’t like”. But the child could barely string a sentence together, let alone understand price tags. I’m sure she’d have done the same in Poundland.

I was at a children’s party a few years ago and a similar incident occurred. A mum got the gathered kids to take turns beating a piñata with a photo of Boris Johnson’s face stuck on it. The children would hit it repeatedly with a wooden stick until it burst open and released the sea of Haribos stuffed inside. It was an ugly sight, and surely over-the-top for an event for four-year-olds? It felt like teaching hate – my daughter didn’t even know who Boris Johnson was.

I call this sort of thing “parental brainwashing”, where parents project their own beliefs onto their offspring, often without realising that they’re doing it. Of course, we can’t see how Musk parents his child behind closed doors, but it appears he’s one of them. All parents are guilty of this to some degree, of course. I taught my kids to be vegetarian long before they had a clue about animal welfare.

But when a child becomes a “mini-me” version of the parent – spouting ideas or behaviours that are clearly not their own because they don’t have the maturity to fathom the subject at hand – it’s fake. Why, then, do parents take it so seriously? Or humblebrag about it as if it’s come directly from their child’s mind?

Dr Naomi Fisher, clinical psychologist and author of When the Naughty Step Makes Things Worse, says that often parents don’t realise they are brainwashing their children because they see them as mere extensions of themselves. “While it might look to the outside world as if a parent is showing off about their child’s beliefs and behaviours, it’s not really about the child at all,” she explains. “It’s all about [them].”

Partly, she says, it’s because people want to have a “mini-me” to affirm who they are. “They have a child in the first place to reflect their opinions back to them,” she explains. “Also, when a child expresses something, there is an innocence and purity about it. It can have more power than an adult expressing the same thing. They use their children to validate their own beliefs or life choices.” She believes that there could even be dangers to this, leading children to potential identity crises later in life. “They don’t have a clue who they are,” she tells me.

Many young children emulate their parents, as repeated statements that they hear are more often judged to be true. According to a 2020 study published in the Psychological Science journal, this applies to all ages – even when the statement is false – but it’s particularly acute during childhood.

Dr Amanda Gummer, a psychologist specialising in child development, agrees that parental brainwashing can have far-reaching negative impacts on children. “Indoctrination can be damaging to a child’s self-esteem because it sends a subtle message that their thoughts, opinions, or natural inclinations are not valid,” she explains. “When a child is constantly told what to think, believe or feel, they might internalise the idea that their intrinsic self isn’t ‘good enough’. Over time, this can erode their confidence, make them more prone to people-pleasing behaviour, and hinder their ability to trust their own judgment.”

She adds that parental brainwashing can appear in many different forms. “A parent might discourage a child from befriending someone of a different background because of their own biases, or pressure them into pursuing a particular career or hobby that aligns with the parent’s dreams, rather than the child’s interests or talents,” she says. “In more extreme cases, brainwashing might involve one parent alienating a child from the other parent during a contentious divorce, using tactics like guilt, manipulation, or even false narratives.”

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Dr Gummer advocates a more balanced approach when it comes to parent-child interaction: guide your children through life, but also encourage them to question things and explore on their own. She believes this is much healthier for a child’s self-esteem and overall development.

She concedes that this is tricky, though, particularly as parents often justify these overbearing behaviours as being in “their child’s best interest”. Sometimes, she continues, parents may not even realise what they’re doing because their intentions come from “a place of love and protection”.

“They might not recognise that children are too young to independently adopt those opinions because the parents themselves see these beliefs as universal truths,” she says. “A lack of awareness about child development can contribute to this – parents may not understand how much children absorb from their environment without questioning it.”

When it comes to my own parenting, I’ve now decided to try and maintain my children’s innocence for as long as possible, and not push them too hard to follow my lead. The next time my daughter Liberty wants a chicken nugget, for instance, I’ll tell her it’s up to her – and not launch into a monologue about factory farming.