The Everything Guide to Partying (Without Regrets)

Lang Phipps, copywriter

You want to feel happy to see people. If there’s some anxiety about it, you have to get into your “people mode” and out of “yourself mode,” which may require changing the channel in your psyche a little bit. You have to put on that social facade.

Rebecca Gardner, event planner, interior designer

When you accept an invitation, you have an obligation to bring something. You can be the most beautiful person at the party who brings glamour. You can be the person who brings an expensive wine. Or you can bring a sprinkle — which means you sprinkle joy or wit or personality to a party. You have to bring something.

Alex Hitz, chef, author

Bring a sense of humor. Bring positive energy. That anecdote of yours? Cut it by 98 percent, practice it in front of the mirror, and in six months you can bring it to the party.

If you get dressed for a party, make an effort. You honor your host by making an effort. You don’t show up in Uggs and a neck doughnut.

Ariel Arce, bar and restaurant owner, caviar entrepreneur

Take a Genius beforehand. It’s a fantastic edible, with THC and caffeine, so you’re chatty but a little loose.

Larry Milstein, entrepreneur

Eat beforehand. You aren’t distracted about what’s being served or chasing down a tray of mini hot dogs, letting you focus on the most important thing: connecting with people.

Maneesh Goyal, bar and restaurant owner

There are certain things that will irk the host. One is when you ask the question that should never be asked: “What should I bring?” Instead, you should say, “I’m already planning on bringing some Champagne and wine. What else should I bring?” Or don’t even ask and just show up with something!

Wes Gordon, creative director

Remember, no matter how nervous you may feel as a guest, the hosts are most likely more nervous and stressed. As the guest, you have the easier job.

Lizzi Bickford Meadow, brand strategist

Smile! It’s as simple as that. Walk into a room with a friendly demeanor. If you don’t know the host, find them and introduce yourself.

Daisy Prince, journalist

There’s a New Yorker cartoon my parents used to have in our kitchen. It was just a picture of a bunch of people standing in suits and dresses. They’re all having what looks like a very adult conversation, and the bubble above the newcomer is: “Yikes, grown-ups.” I think there’s always a little “yikes, grown-ups” for all of us. So just settle for a minute and then go to the hostess, because your duty, as a guest, is certainly to say hello.

Kristy Hurt, headhunter, career coach

Make three connections. You don’t have to meet every single person, but go into the party and meet three people. Ten words or less. Elevator pitch.

Kendall Werts, talent agency co-founder

Don’t forget to laugh. It’s about your eyes and your smile. Nobody wants to work to bring you out of your sad-sack shell!

Harry Hurt III, journalist

When working a room, it’s best to obey the 30-second rule: Say hello, talk, and quickly move on.

Liz Lange, designer, owner, Grey Gardens estate, East Hampton, N.Y.

You don’t want the person you’re speaking with to think you want to move onto someone else “better.” But you don’t want to spend the evening sequestered in the corner with just one person. After a few minutes, it’s polite to excuse yourself by saying you want to refresh your drink.

Athena Calderone, interior designer

Some of my earliest friends in New York remember me as a wallflower. I was so nervous when people would ask me “What do you do?” That was a scary question, because I had yet to define the answer. These feelings can affect your presence in a space. I think it’s important to show up anyway and be who you are.

Kyle Hotchkiss Carone, hospitality executive

I hate that move of pretending it’s the first time you’ve met someone, because you’re worried the other person won’t remember you. It’s: “Nice to see you.” Not: “Nice to meet you.” Always!

Molly Jong-Fast, writer, political commentator

Even if you forget who somebody is, pretend you remember them, because people hate it when you forget them. Just pretend you remember people, even if you don’t, because it’s just kind. One thing I’ve noticed is that people in New York sometimes pretend not to know you, even if they do, whereas people in D.C. pretend to know you, even if they don’t.

Bronson van Wyck, event planner, author

The best way to make a bad impression is to complain. You may think you’re bonding with another guest by complaining, but that’s a cheap bond. You’re not adding anything when you say something like, “Can you believe how long it took to get here?”

Impana Srikantappa, investment executive

Relax. Everything is going to be fine. If you operate with the mind-set of “everything is going to be fine,” then everything is going to be fine. But if you stress out, then everything is going to stress you out.

Laila Gohar, culinary artist

I have this theory that dinner guests fall into two different categories: “characters” and “glues.” Characters are big personalities, the life of the party. They are conversation-starters. Glues are good listeners. They’re soft-spoken and hold conversations together. You need the right balance. Too many characters will start competing for attention. Too much glue and things can get boring. When I put together a guest list, I think of it like casting a movie.

Josh Flagg, real estate agent, TV personality, author

If somebody’s having a bad day, I get it. And if you make it the topic of conversation for the entire dinner party, that’s fine — you just won’t be invited again.

Bronson van Wyck

This is one of the top three things a great guest can do for a host: Figure out the person who knows the fewest people or is the most socially awkward, and go talk to them for five minutes. They’re there because the host cares about them, presumably. And the host wants this person to have a nice time. You can help make that happen!

Sara Ruffin Costello, hotel designer, advice columnist

I have a friend who talks a lot. People are excusing themselves to go to the bathroom when they get stuck with her. Try listening. When in doubt, try David Sedaris’s bizarre conversational icebreakers. “How long have you known your dentist?” You have to have a certain personality to pull that off.

Alex Hitz

A party is not a therapy session. No one wants to hear your problems at a party. There’s the terrible renovation story that no one wants to hear. And no one wants to know what’s wrong with you physically. They’ll call you a bore. Tell a joke or two. Tell everyone they look great.

Kyle Hotchkiss Carone

There is a specific skill that is probably just charisma, but it’s when you know how to meet the energy of the person or group you are chatting with. I hate being asked very specific questions. Tell me a story. If it’s interesting, I’ll tell you one back. And around and around we’ll go.

Kendall Werts

“Real Housewives” is always a good source of conversation, because these people aren’t real, but they remind you of people in your own lives. You can’t go wrong talking about scandals and celebrities. I hear a lot of things out there on the streets. People love to hear about that. It’s very Truman Capote. People want to drink the tea.

Bronson van Wyck

Show up 15 minutes late. Even the best host or hostess appreciates that grace period. It’s beyond priceless.

Jennifer Gilbert

Don’t go walking into somebody’s house and automatically think you can smoke. Ask. And don’t bother the host in the kitchen.

Romilly Newman, chef, food stylist, social media personality

Don’t bring a guest to a seated dinner. People just say, “Oh, can I bring my amazing friend?” And it’ll be 20 minutes before.

Romilly Newman

When you invite people into your home, you need to let go. You can’t be like, “You can’t touch this” and “You have to take your shoes off” and “If you spill something, you are in trouble.” Hosting is letting your guests enjoy themselves.

Alex Hitz

Do not tell your host what you can or cannot eat. Your host is not an airline or a short-order kitchen.

Max Tucci

For hosts, don’t assume people are not allergic to things. Ask if there are any food allergies from the beginning. Emily Post would never have said that, but in the climate we’re in today, it can change the whole night.

Susan Gutfreund

You have to be responsible. This one is a vegetarian, which is a new thing in today’s world, versus the old days, where you just served a meal. Today, you have to be very aware — vegetarian, vegan, all these things. And you do the best you can.

Jennifer Gilbert

As a hostess, always have something vegan, because the whole world is funny about food now. There should be a gluten-free, dairy-free vegan option, because if people don’t tell you beforehand, you’re like, “Here’s some lettuce.” They’re sitting there with an empty plate, and you feel terrible.

Max Tucci

If you’re going to have a sit-down, I love name cards. Now, my trick for name cards is to write the name on both sides, so if someone’s sitting at the table and doesn’t know the other person, they can read the name.

Rufus Wainwright

In Europe, it’s very gauche at a dinner party to sit next to your husband. You have to sit with somebody else. They never seat married people together.

Maneesh Goyal

There is nothing worse than a guest who is on their phone. Always being on your phone, or only talking to one person the entire time, is the worst.

Larry Milstein

The best decision I made when hosting a milestone birthday was asking people to stow away their phones upon arrival. It changed the entire dynamic of the evening. As the meme goes, “Not a cellphone in sight, just people living in the moment.”

Lizzie Bickford Meadow

Posting from an event can be tricky. If it’s a private gathering, I think it’s nice to ask the host if they’re OK with you posting. They may want to keep it just that — private!

Zibby Owens, media executive, bookstore owner

If you’re in someone’s house, don’t go secretly snooping around and posting photos. Also, take cues from the host. If they’re posting pictures, by all means post back. But never post somebody’s children. Unless you ask first, don’t even take their picture.

Molly Jong-Fast

It’s bad guesting to immediately call gossip pages after a party. That’s called bad guesting.

Harry Hurt III

Do not discuss politics, religion, or pornography, all of which are quite similar.

Liz Lange

No! Everything is fair game! I don’t believe in the old rule of no politics, no religion, no money, no sex. It’s all fair game.

Bronson van Wyck

Gosh, I don’t think you can avoid certain topics in 2024. I think the world would be a better place if more people of different viewpoints broke bread and shared a glass of wine and talked about things.

Plum Sykes, journalist, novelist, socialite

I think we are in a time of perhaps the most geopolitical instability I have seen in my lifetime — it would be odd to avoid such subjects. I recently sat next to a wildly well-informed media baron and asked him for his views on Trump, Biden, Ukraine and Putin, and I had a fascinating dinner. Ask people their views, be interested in others, and you will get invited back over and over.

Julie Reiner, bar owner

Talking politics these days can shut down a good party. I think knowing your audience will help you decipher whether or not any topic is OK.

Jennifer Gilbert

I had a dinner maybe a month and a half ago, and I invited a diverse group. It started with the whole can-you-believe-what’s-going-on-with-college-campuses type of thing. And it got so heated that somebody threw their drink across the table, looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t sit here if these are your friends,” and stormed out.

It was a woman who stormed out. She threw the contents of the drink — she didn’t throw the glass, but she threw the wine on him. It was white wine, luckily.

Ken Fulk, designer

The old adage says to avoid discussing politics or religion at a party, but politics are so all-consuming right now. It’s crucial to be thoughtful. The art of civil discourse appears to be lost, and I think it’s time to resurrect that.

Rufus Wainwright

I was at a dinner party the other night with my husband, and he brought up what was going on in Israel with some Israelis. It got heated. It didn’t end in agreement, but they were able to be civil afterward, and I was impressed by that. I do think we actually live in an age where you should at least address some of the things that are happening. Don’t expect to solve anything — but we can’t ignore it, obviously.

Sara Ruffin Costello

I think you want to avoid talking about actually having sex with your husband. Nobody wants to hear that. I don’t even want to hear Giselle talking about that.

Emma Gwyther, brand consultancy executive

Arriving with an appropriate host gift is a nice way to start. And I wouldn’t extend or shorten your trip without prior notice, because your hosts are blocking out their calendar.

Kendall Werts

You can be cute. But don’t think you’re décor. Never show up empty-handed. Bring a bottle — vodka or tequila or white wine. Nothing worse than a bottle of red wine that spills. Offer to help make breakfast.

Sedi Sithebe, event planner

When you’re staying at someone’s house, don’t use it as a hotel. And don’t sleep in. I can’t stand when people sleep in, in my house! And don’t leave your bed unmade. Fill the fridge. Unload the dishes. And make sure the matriarch of the family is happy. That is the way you get invited back.

Elise Taylor

The worst houseguests are high-maintenance. Figure out how to get there without bombarding the host with texts. I assure you, your transportation quandaries can be solved via Google.

Patricia Altschul, “Southern Charm” cast member, socialite

A houseguest should never appear with an animal or an extra person, unless they have arranged it beforehand. They should never be demanding, messy or sleep with the hostess’s husband or wife.

Maneesh Goyal

Drink your drink of choice, but never over-drink. Do that on a bar crawl with your best homies, but never do that at someone’s home.

Amy Sacco, nightlife impresario

Manage your cocktails. Manage your edibles.

Patricia Altschul

Here in the South, the topic of when to say when is not something that one has to consider. My favorite quote is from Dorothy Parker: “I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three, I’m under the table. After four, I’m under my host.”

But if someone has had too much to drink, I usually offer to help them get home and call them a car. They usually don’t realize I’m also pushing them out the door. I once had a guest who had too much to drink. He said goodbye, and I thought he had left. The next morning, the butler discovered him passed out on the dog bed!

Joey Wölffer, co-owner, Wölffer Estate Vineyard

I know exactly how much alcohol I can have before I am not presenting myself well. I like people having fun, but slurring? You are not coming back, if you’re a slurrer. At a certain age, too, you just can’t do that anymore. The drug thing is not my thing, so I don’t get the mushroom party thing.

Sara Ruffin Costello

What gets you invited back is mushrooms. Bringing them. What doesn’t get you invited back is also bringing mushrooms. So that can go both ways.

Rufus Wainwright

I’m amazed at how, when I was using a lot of drugs and drinking a lot, how I really believed that everybody was doing it. And once I stopped, I was like, No, I was kind of the only one.

Athena Calderone

I am team gummies as long as it’s giggly and not too slippery. Ha ha ha! I mean, we’ve all had those nights when someone else has had to put us to bed. So, no judgment.

Wes Gordon

I tend to say goodbye discreetly. I am an admitted homebody and one of the first to leave, so I don’t want to bring the mood down.

Ivy Mix, bar owner, bartender, author

I personally think saying goodbye is important. Especially to the host. But if you can’t find them, or if slipping out the door is the only way to get out, then a text saying goodbye should do. No matter what, I always send a text thanking the host and saying how nice the evening was. That goes a long, long way.

Ivy Getty, socialite, model

I’m the biggest believer in Irish exits. I think that if you tell people you are leaving, it’s kind of disappointing, so why would you tell them? It raises this whole point of “You’re leaving?” And it pauses the whole vibe.

Rufus Wainwright

Hugs and kisses and all of that is great. But I’m a fan of the French exit. If somebody just disappears without a word, I think that that’s totally fine.

One of the most fabulous things that my husband and I have experienced is, we were at dinner with Bette Midler, and she insists on doing the dishes, wherever she is, at her house, or at somebody else’s house. “I’m doing the dishes!” She needs to do the dishes. That’s probably one of the reasons she’s so successful — she knows she could do dishes, if she had to.

Maneesh Goyal

To get invited back, there is the art of the thank you. If it comes too soon, like when you’re in someone’s driveway, it doesn’t seem considered. A text is fine, but something handwritten is beautiful.

Susan Gutfreund

This is a huge new thing in New York, where people no longer thank. I’m old enough and spoiled enough that, if I make an effort to give a dinner party and invite you, I hope you will acknowledge it. It’s just old-fashioned manners. When you’re invited, and you accept, you thank.

Amy Sacco

If you had a good time, even if it’s a week later, call and say, “Just thinking of you today, thank you again for a beautiful evening.” Or put that on a card with a stamp and throw it in the mail. It’s lovely to get something like that. Handwritten cards are wonderful.

Max Tucci

We’re not in the handwritten note days anymore, but send something afterward, a thank-you note, a follow-up. And don’t use the word “can’t,” as in, “I can’t wait to see you again.” No! Make it: “I look forward to seeing you again.” Something that evokes that positive energy into the next step.

Patricia Altschul

My mother had an expression: “The queen leaves before the footman.” Meaning: Do not be the last person to leave a party!

As the hostess, I expect everyone to leave at the designated time. If they don’t, I have several foolproof ways of dealing with stragglers. First, I turn off the music. Then I walk around with a candle snuffer in hand, gradually extinguishing the candles. Finally, I start picking up the glasses, even the ones people are still drinking from.

Once the room is dark and the alcohol has stopped flowing, most guests get the message. But there’s always someone who foolishly believes you want the party to go on all night. That’s when I say, “Do you need me to call you a car?”