What Is Ghostlighting? The Subtle ‘Orange Flag’ Your Relationship May Be Toxic

The word sounds like a mashup of ghosting and gaslighting, and it is, but it perfectly captures a behaviour that has existed long before social media or text messages. It sits somewhere between benign inconsistency and emotional manipulation, making it one of the hardest relationship patterns to identify.

You’re not being fully ghosted, yet not quite respected enough to be given clarity. You’re not being gaslit, yet something about their return leaves you doubting your own expectations.

Ruchi Ruuh, counselling psychologist and relationship expert, explains, “Ghostlighting, as the name suggests, is a combination of ghosting and gaslighting. That means in an active conversation, when someone starts pulling away or disappears for an indefinite time, and then they subtly come back and make you feel like you’re imagining it.”

“The process is very simple. They vanish, they come back with excuses, they minimise or even mock your feelings, and they can always point out that you are overthinking,” she adds.

Ghostlighting begins with silence. Sometimes it is sudden, sometimes it creeps in slowly. Messages go unanswered, calls are ignored, and the person who seemed attentive just days ago becomes a shadow version of themselves.

You wait. You rationalise. You replay the last conversation to check if you said something wrong.

And just when you have almost convinced yourself to move on, they reappear with a casual “Hey, what are you up to?” or “Sorry, been busy”. The message is simple, almost disarmingly normal, as if their absence didn’t exist at all.

What makes ghostlighting one of the most toxic behaviours in a relationship is not the silence itself; it is the pretence that nothing happened.

Their return is smooth, almost too smooth. No acknowledgement of the gap. No space for your discomfort. No opening for you to express the confusion you’ve been carrying.

If you do bring it up, they often brush it aside with a laugh, a vague excuse, or a gentle nudge that you’re “reading too much into things”. And just like that, you start wondering: Am I really making this a bigger deal than it is?

That internal questioning is why ghostlighting is considered an “orange flag”. It is not instantly toxic, but a sign of deeper emotional unavailability.

It reveals a person who wants access to you without the responsibility that comes with consistency. Someone who enjoys connection, but only on their terms. Someone for whom silence is easier than conversation, and return is easier than accountability.

Why People Ghostlight?

Ghostlighting often occurs with people who struggle with emotional intimacy or confrontation. They are not always malicious; sometimes they are simply overwhelmed, unsure, or accustomed to relationships where disappearing is normalised.

“People do it because they feel uncomfortable in conversation, or they are talking to multiple people. They feel in the digital world, people feel entitled to inconsistent conversations, but they still want to keep the door open whenever they feel like coming back,” says Ruuh.

But intentional or not, the emotional impact is the same. You are left in a state of limbo: never fully abandoned, but never fully secure either.

The Reason Behind The Rise Of Ghostlighting 

Ruuh notes that ghostlighting is rising largely because of today’s texting culture. She explains that earlier, people treated digital communication with a sense of responsibility; you replied to messages, you didn’t leave someone on “read,” and texting itself was straightforward.

Now, with features like disappearing messages, incognito modes, and the ability to hide whether something has been seen, digital interactions have become easier to manipulate.

Texting was already emotionless to begin with, she says, and these new layers of digital complexity have reduced accountability even further.

The current culture normalises low-effort communication, where quick texts replace real conversations. This makes it effortless for someone to slip in and out of contact, switch between hot and cold behaviour, breadcrumb a person with minimal effort, and then return with a convenient excuse.

Ruuh adds that the long-standing patterns of ghosting and emotional manipulation have now merged with the tools of the digital world, creating the messy, confusing dynamics we are witnessing today.

“I think already existing pathology of ghosting and other manipulations mixed with the digital world. It is a complete mix of what we are seeing right now,” says Ruuh.

What Does It Do To You?

Ruuh says, “Ghost lighting is a mix of avoidance, inconsistency, and emotional dishonesty. In some cases, this is a deep feeling of betrayal. It can feel like manipulation to the person who’s experiencing it because it is not about poor communication skills or conflict, but about avoidance, but it’s about someone’s inability to take accountability for their own disappearance.”

She explains that ghostlighting can feel far more painful than straightforward ghosting. With ghosting, at least you know the person has vanished, and closure isn’t coming. But ghostlighting keeps you stuck in uncertainty.

They disappear, then reappear with excuses or half-truths, leaving you emotionally exhausted and increasingly unsure of your trust in the relationship.

Over time, this pattern quietly erodes your confidence. You begin lowering your expectations so you don’t seem “demanding”. You shrink your needs to avoid “pressure”. “A lot of people start self-doubting. They keep asking themselves, Am I imagining this relationship? Is this even real? Am I important to them?” Ruuh says.

Ruuh points out that when someone repeatedly withdraws in a relationship, it can make the other person feel unwanted and undesired. And each time they return without explanation, it chips away at the trust that once held the relationship together.

You become overly understanding, overly forgiving, overly grateful for breadcrumbs of attention. And without realising it, you start adapting to a version of the relationship where your emotional discomfort becomes the norm.

What makes ghostlighting particularly harmful is that it blurs the line between acceptable inconsistency and subtle manipulation. A one-off disappearance can be circumstantial; a recurring cycle becomes a dynamic.

Some people who experience ghostlighting develop a kind of hypervigilance, constantly scanning for signs that their partner might withdraw again. Even during normal conversations, they may find themselves asking, “Are you going to disappear now?” or “Why didn’t you reply earlier?” The uncertainty created by ghostlighting keeps them on edge, always bracing for the next disappearance.

Ruuh explains that repeated experiences of this behaviour can trigger attachment anxiety. People begin to worry excessively about their partner’s reliability, grow suspicious of their intentions, and stay alert to any hint of abandonment.

She adds that the long-term impact on trust is significant. When someone goes through ghostlighting multiple times, their nervous system learns an unhealthy lesson: that affection can appear and vanish without warning and that their emotional reactions may even be dismissed or blamed on them.

“Over time, this makes it difficult for them to trust genuine affection. They may feel undeserving of care or assume that any warmth shown to them will eventually be withdrawn just as suddenly,” Ruuh says.

Signs That You Are Being Ghostlit

Noticing these patterns early helps you protect your emotional space before an orange flag turns into a glaring red one. Here are some behavioural clues that indicate you may be getting ghostlit.

1. Their Presence Feels Hot-and-Cold From the Start

Ruuh says one of the earliest signs is inconsistent presence — they appear intensely involved one moment and vanish the next, without offering any real explanation for their disappearances.

2. You Start Overthinking And Doubting Yourself

Another major clue is when you find yourself constantly asking for clarity, questioning whether you’re “too intense,” or wondering if you’re expecting too much. This internal confusion is often a direct result of ghostlighting, not your emotional inadequacy.

3. They Reappear With Charm That Feels Disconnected

Ruuh notes that ghostlighters often return with the same charm, affection, or love-bombing they left with but something about it feels hollow or out of sync, as if the emotional tone no longer matches the reality of the relationship.

4. They Take No Accountability for the Disappearing Acts

While people can disappear for legitimate reasons, Ruuh emphasises that healthy partners explain themselves and don’t repeat the behaviour frequently. Ghostlighters, however, avoid accountability, offer flimsy stories, or simply ignore the impact of their actions.

5. Their Words and Actions Don’t Match

A consistent mismatch between what they promise and what they actually do is a strong behavioural cue. Ruuh says this disconnect often reveals a lack of genuine investment in the relationship.

6. They Become Defensive When You Ask Basic Questions

If you try to discuss their disappearance, delayed replies, or mixed signals, they quickly turn defensive or dismissive. Ruuh points out that they may even blame you or display rageful behaviour over text, making you feel guilty for seeking clarity.

What To Do When You Realise You’re Being Ghostlit

If a person repeatedly disappears from your life and returns without acknowledging the impact of their silence, the relationship shifts into a space where your feelings are always secondary to their convenience.

The truth is simpler than the confusion makes it feel: Someone who values you doesn’t vanish without thought. And someone who respects you doesn’t return without explanation. Ruuh suggests these healthy ways to respond if you notice the signs:

1. Recognise the Pattern

The first step is to notice and acknowledge the pattern instead of treating each incident as isolated. Once you identify that the behaviour is inconsistent or dismissive of your feelings, it becomes easier to step out of the loop rather than arguing about their actions.

2. Set A Clear Boundary

If the pattern makes you uncomfortable, Ruuh advises expressing your needs directly and firmly. You can say that you require more clarity and consistency in a relationship, and since this dynamic doesn’t feel healthy, you are stepping back to protect your peace.

3. Don’t Tie Your Self-Worth To Their Behaviour

You shouldn’t allow someone’s inconsistent behaviour to dictate how you feel about yourself. Instead, place your sense of worth in areas that bring genuine joy and stability like friends, hobbies, or spaces where you feel valued.

4. Emotionally Detach from Their Inconsistency

It is important to stop seeking validation from their texting habits or emotional availability. Redirect your energy toward people and activities that offer a steady, reliable connection instead of hot-and-cold communication.

5. Prioritise Your Emotional Safety

It is absolutely okay to take a break when ghostlighting starts to feel overwhelming. Stepping back, meeting people in real life, and surrounding yourself with consistent, grounding relationships can help regulate your nervous system and rebuild emotional safety.

Ghostlighting is not about the silence; it’s about what the silence implies. It signals a relationship where communication lacks honesty, presence lacks reliability, and clarity is replaced with comfort-driven avoidance. It’s a reminder that affection without accountability is not connection, it is convenience.

And most importantly, you deserve clarity because love, in any healthy form, does not disappear and reappear like a flickering light.