“Skip the small talk” is generally good dating advice. Why bother trading insipid anecdotes about your commutes, discussing how it was actually quite warm today, and asking how many siblings you have when you can dive right into what you masturbate about? It might sound strange, but this is exactly the tactic being adopted at singles nights in France.
Launched last year in Paris by Léa Toussaint, a sex therapist, the events are aimed at helping single people under-40s, the idea being that encouraging people to speak about their sexual preferences early on can help foster a culture of openness and honesty. Participants pay €25 and have a series of seven-minute-long conversations with other attendees, using suggested questions provided by Toissaint, such as “Do you prefer having sex in bed or outdoors?” and “Would you like to initiate sex more or less often?”
Speaking to The Times, Toussaint called the concept “deep dating”, adding: “If people don’t know what to say or find it hard to talk to each other, they can take a card and place it between them and ask the question written on it.” It’s a unique idea, to say the least, particularly for those who might find speaking about their sexual preferences somewhat daunting, not least with strangers. And on a seven-minute-long first date.
Still, perhaps we Britons could learn a thing or two from this, particularly when you consider how sexually inarticulate we can be with one another. Naturally, this is impacting our pleasure. According to The Great British Sex Report, which was conducted by Superdrug and involved responses from 2,000 sexually active adults, only one in three always orgasm during sex with their partner, with men being twice as likely to orgasm during sex as women. Meanwhile, 42 per cent of respondents said they struggle to communicate what they want during sex, while 37 per cent have hidden a sexual preference or fantasy from a sexual partner.
Could nights like Toussaint’s ameliorate all this? There’s a strong case to be made that they could. “Speed dating built around fantasies flips the usual script: instead of polite small talk and vague flirting, people surface what they actually want,” says Courtney Boyer, relationships coach and author of Not Tonight, Honey and Opened. “For some daters, that honesty is refreshing and empowering, and far more efficient than pretending everyone likes the same vanilla script.”
It’s also a fairly fast-track route into identifying sexual compatibility. Not just based on what you say, but how you say it. “How someone talks about sex tells you a lot about them and your potential compatibility,” says Emma-Louise Boynton, founder of Sex Talks and author of the upcoming book, Pleasure: A Reclamation of My Body, who wholly supports the concept. “I think it’s so important that people get used to talking about sex outside of the bedroom,” she adds.
“I don’t think you should wait until you’re undressed in front of someone before you start talking about what you like, what you don’t, and what your boundaries are.” Subverting this conventional approach proved transformational in Boynton’s own life. “My sex life really changed when I started Sex Talks [a live events series featuring candid conversations around sex] because it meant I had to talk about sex on first dates as people would ask what I did for work. It immediately put sex on the table in a non-taboo, non-shaming way. I was able to admit my past struggles, and in turn, so many people opened up to me about their anxieties around sex.”
Others agree that this is a positive step, one they’ve already been taking in their love lives. “I’ve talked about sexual fantasies on a first date, and it went completely fine,” says Ruben, 24. “It came up naturally in a flirty conversation after a few wines. We laughed about it, shared a bit, and it didn’t kill the vibe at all. It actually made things more open and fun there and then.”
While Toussaint’s singles nights are currently only taking place in France, there are similar versions happening in the UK. “I’ve been to a few singles nights hosted by Feeld, and because it’s known as an app for the sexually open, people there were really honest about what they wanted and what they were into,” says Miriam*, 35. “They’d ask things like ‘what are you looking for?’ and would then list their sexual preferences and even fantasies. I was looking for a relationship and not casual sex, so my answer was more ‘true love’. I didn’t find it there, but I did feel like I got to know people a lot quicker than I would at a traditional dating event because the ice was instantly broken.”
If you’re brave enough to tell someone about that devious thing you’ve always wanted to try, then I hope it makes the serious stuff like negotiating boundaries and addressing conflict feel less daunting too
Ruby Rare, Intimacy Expert for Feeld
There might be benefits beyond the bedroom, too. Given the intimate nature of these conversations, having them early on can reveal a lot about someone’s communication style, as well as how they navigate personal subjects. “Sharing fantasies early on helps to normalise openness and vulnerability in your relationships,” says Ruby Rare, Intimacy Expert for Feeld. “If you’re brave enough to tell someone about that devious thing you’ve always wanted to try, then I hope it makes the serious stuff like negotiating boundaries and addressing conflict feel less daunting too.”
Of course, this approach will work for some people more than others. While all of us can surely agree that having more open conversations around sex and sexuality will be a net positive, for those who might be slightly more introverted, a speed dating event such as Toussaint’s would be the thing of nightmares, resulting in awkward interactions that lead to little more than a shy giggle followed by a hurried goodbye.
“I believe that type of talk should wait for much later,” says Carla, 29. “These types of talks occur naturally once you build true trust with someone, so my way for a first meeting is to set up a respectful link right away. When you build that base first, more private talks can happen without pressure later, and this makes a much better chance for a real relationship to grow.”
Even if talking about what turns you on feels like a conversation that’s best saved for later, there are ways to go about it that might make the whole thing more comfortable for everyone involved. Mostly, this means going against cultural myths that have made us feel like sex and sexual pleasure are things to be ashamed of. In other words, there’s a lot of unlearning involved.
“Starting with curiosity rather than pressure can make these conversations feel much more natural,” suggests Rare. “Open questions about what someone is curious about, what makes them feel comfortable, or what their boundaries are can create a more relaxed and respectful dialogue.” Of course, it’s also important to know what your own wants and needs are, which sounds simple enough but can be complex in a society that has conditioned us all into sexual silence. “In order to talk about your desires with someone else, you’ve got to have a robust understanding of what you’re into,” adds Rare. “These conversations can make great pillow-talk. I’d say post-sex can be cute, asking each other what you’re into and making a note for what you might explore next time. But if starting the conversation in person feels daunting, raise it over text so you’ve laid the foundations for IRL chats.”
Ultimately, whether you have these conversations at a speed dating event or a few dates in, it would be beneficial to do so as early as possible with a new partner if you want to get the most out of your sexual experience with them. “When you’re dating, obviously, you want to have sex, and the fact that we don’t talk about it is wild to me,” adds Boynton. “Anything that encourages more open and positive conversations around sex is a really good thing.”
*Name has been changed to protect anonymity