Controlling behaviour in a relationship severely damages the connection between two people and erodes respect and trust, ultimately leading what was once a beautifully pure bond into something frustrating, unhealthy, and alarming to stay in. To maintain a happy and balanced relationship, it’s important to understand, accept, and respect that every individual is different, and one should want to be with them for who they are, instead of fantasizing about an idealized version of them created in the mind.
It is also equally important to understand why some individuals display controlling and dominating behaviour and practical ways to confront it. If you are someone who is in a controlling and manipulative relationship, here’s the perfect opportunity for you to get to the root of it and get practical solutions for how to effectively take care of it, while also ensuring that you respect the feelings of your other half. So, dive in!
Why do people try to control and change their partners?
There have been several detailed psychological studies and research conducted that have discovered that controlling behaviour often manifests itself from deeply rooted psychological issues as well as works as a coping mechanism for unmet needs in a relationship. While these issues can be highly subjective for every individual, let’s discuss some common reasons for such behaviour:
Anxious attachment styles in a relationship
There are different types of attachment styles, some of the common ones are secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. Here, anxious attachment can be a significant cause of controlling and manipulating behaviour. An individual with such issues might turn to be controlling, thinking it’ll help them maintain stability in their relationship, fearing and facing difficulties in healthy forms of expression and communication.
Unrealistic expectations
In this era of social media and modern cinema, the expectations are standards are starting to get highly unrealistic and difficult to meet. Individuals, easily influenced by them might attempt to change and shape their partners into an ‘ideal version’, which, in truth, does not exist! They might believe that this is the ultimate way to achieve happiness in their relationship, which in reality, does nothing but sabotage it further.
Past trauma and abuse
Individuals with a background of trauma and abuse in their past relationships, or even life in general such as childhood abuse, neglect, witnessing domestic violence or traumatic loss might have adopted the mentality of having control over their partner as a way of protecting themselves and to cope whenever they feel threatened.
Low self-esteem and insecurity
Another significant and most commonly identified reason for the controlling behaviour is the feeling of insecurity in individuals. People with low self-esteem growing up might see having control over their partner as a security and confirmation and reassurance of love for them. Such individuals might bring up unreasonable requests for their partners just to see if they would do or accept it and if they didn’t, they might perceive it as a sign that their partner isn’t in love with them anymore. They might use phrases such as “If you love me, you would…”.
Now that we have gotten an in-depth insight into the reasons behind controlling behaviour, it’s essential to identify the subtle but crucial signs that highlight a partner might be trying to change or control you. Here’s how to identify such red-flag behaviours:
Attempts to keep you isolated
Isolation tactics are a subtle but powerful tool, ultimately leading them to achieve 24/7 attention and making you somewhat dependent on them by steadily making you limit your interactions with your loved ones. This can involve pressuring you to always spend time with them, creating unnecessary drama and conflicts preventing you from hangout with your friends and family.
Criticism in the name of concern
Another sign might be getting consistent criticism! Your partner might always keep on criticizing the aspects of your life, your wills and choices, appearance, or behaviour in an attempt to mould you to their wants. They might claim this criticism as an act of care and want you to be a better version of yourself, but the reality lies in them wanting control of your life by slowly and subtly damaging your self-esteem.
Ignoring your boundaries
Your partner might frequently try to push your boundaries, not respecting your personal space. This can manifest itself in the form of forcing and emotionally manipulating you to do things against your will, pressuring you to spend more time with them, always calling and texting you, and dismissing your preferences.
Dealing with such challenging and controlling behaviour in a relationship can be difficult and requires significant attention and being thoughtful in your approaches, making sure of both your well-being as well as ensuring not to be harsh and disrespectful to your partner. To regain the control of your life, here are some practical tips to follow:
Set clear boundaries
Clearly and assertively define your boundaries. Letting your partner know is an important step in regaining your control. Communicate politely yet firmly, mentioning what you are comfortable with and what not. For instance, if you require time and personal space for yourself, make these needs known to your partner. Make sure to not let these boundaries be crossed and be consistent in them.
Foster your independence
While it is good to be dependent on and healthily need each other, it is equally or rather more important not to let your individuality be at stake. Focus on becoming more self-reliant and confident in yourself by making time for yourself, and pursuing your individual goals, passions, and hobbies. Being self-reliant, both emotionally and financially is how you regain control of your life.
Seek professional help
Talking to a professional such as a relationship counsellor or a therapist can be highly beneficial in a challenging situation like this. They are specialized individuals who can help you and your partner understand the relationship dynamics better and offer special techniques and strategies to help cope with controlling behaviour as well as help you build stronger self-esteem and confidence in yourself.
And so, dealing with a partner who exhibits controlling behaviour can be challenging yet crucial for maintaining a happy and healthy relationship. Tamannah Bhatia’s insights about not trying to change your partner highlight the immense importance of mutual respect and setting clear boundaries. By getting support, establishing healthy boundaries, and embracing and fostering individuality, it is possible to improve your relationship dynamics while achieving a perfectly happy and joyful connection with your partner.
