Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.
Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here.
Dear Prudence,
My husband has pretty severe anxiety/OCD, mostly concentrated on health and medical situations. Nothing can be a minor illness—it is a sign of something much more serious and sinister. He is on medication for it and he reports that it helps, but I do think he most likely needs a higher dosage or something for more support. He regularly (probably four times a year) becomes convinced he has an STI of some type due to relatively benign symptoms like a rashy dry skin patch or a bruise near his genitals. When this happens, he usually asks me a couple times if I think he could have (fill in the blank STI). I usually just ask if he’s had sex with anyone else or thinks I have, he says no, and I say “then I don’t see how you would have an STI” and refuse to answer him on it again (original advice of his doctor/counselor when starting OCD treatment).
But this last time has been different.
About one week after travelling for work, he asked again about what was definitely an eczema patch. I answered as I usually do, but a couple days later he told me he was really worried about it and was going to contact his doctor to order blood testing for STIs. I said I thought that was unnecessary. He got the tests done and everything was negative, so he went right back to his usual self.
But now I’m convinced he cheated on me on his work trip. Since starting his medication, he has never needed more than a verbal confirmation that he wouldn’t have an STI. I have never thought he would cheat on me, but he did go out with people one night, and I know they all drank quite a lot. When he travels, he normally calls me either before bed or in the morning while I’m getting ready for work and he didn’t this time, instead texting that he was out and then around lunchtime the next day saying it had been a rough night/morning. What would you recommend as the best way to approach him on this? I’m worried he’s going to just explain it away as his OCD being more severe this time and needing more reassurance, but I also think this is a reasonable reaction on my part. I feel like I’m always supporting him through the things he struggles with and the one time I have a concern (that actually has some evidence to it!), it’s just going to get brushed off.
—Now I’m Anxious
Jenée Desmond-Harris: I don’t know why I initially misread this as being about her brother (I truly pulled that out of nowhere) and I was so happy to say “You don’t have to worry about this! It’s not your business.” Now that I have my facts right, things have become a lot heavier. Yeah, this is totally her business.
Lizzie O’Leary: I am kind of stunned by the lack of trust here. And maybe that’s not fair, but it’s wild to be repeatedly asking your spouse if they have had sex with other people, even if most of that is coming from a place of mental illness! I think that is the place these two need to start.
Jenée: Right, if you’re going to have ideas about STIs that don’t have a basis in reality, you may as well take the irrational thinking all the way and imagine that you got them from a toilet seat or something.
I agree with you that the lack of trust is a big problem. And actually, it would be helpful for the letter writer to strip away all the mental health history and ideas about what kind of support she’s owed and how her husband will receive her concerns and focus on the core issue: She thinks her he cheated! And that he’ll lie about it! So maybe the goal is not to get him to take that concern seriously, but to decide what it means for whether she wants to be in this marriage.
Do you think a digital snooping investigation is warranted here? Because I know nobody wants to get divorced based on a weird feeling alone.
Lizzie: I think some counseling is warranted. Digital snooping is so messy, and even if she finds some proof of affair, getting it that way is horrible and upsetting. And puts her on the back foot. I think she needs to tell her spouse how she feels, AND that she is so turned around by all of this that she doesn’t know whether to trust him. It sucks, but I don’t think there is a way to be like “hmm yeah I think you may still be lying though,” without really probing what that means about the marriage.
Jenée: Well, I’m glad there’s one reasonable and mature person in this chat. I’m not sure why I suggested the 19-year-old approach. Counseling would be great because maybe things could be repaired (I know an Esther Perel or Dr. Orna wouldn’t see it as a dealbreaker even if the cheating allegations were confirmed—maybe there’s a better relationship on the other side of this!) and if not, it would be nice to have someone to guide the couple through wrapping things up. Oh, and maybe the therapist would suggest more individual work for the husband, which could lead to a medication adjustment, which could lead to STI worries no longer playing such a big role in this relationship.
Lizzie: Yeah, at the bare minimum, repeated allegations of cheating over random rashes are not a great way to live! Jenée, maybe if I see Dr. Orna in the neighborhood walking her little dog, I should ask her? Obviously I will not, because I am a New Yorker and we mind our own business. But still. LW, this is not about this one-time accusation, it’s about the fact that your marriage needs more support! Dealing with mental illness can be incredibly difficult in a relationship, but I don’t think it’s impossible. You two just need to be able to trust each other. And right now you can’t.
Jenée: Yes, please. Dr. Orna and her dog have enough couples to deal with.
Anyway, letter writer, sorry to pass the buck to a therapist here, but it really is the best way forward. Pretend you never heard me mention snooping. I wish you a future with more trust and fewer suspect rashes.