I’m a Woman in My 20s and I’m Not Having the Sex I Want. I Know What’s Holding Me Back.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I, an early-20s woman, only recently became sexually active, but after that relationship ended and a short string of exceptionally disappointing hookups with another partner, I’ve been in a rut. I started having sex a bit later than average because of a complicated relationship with my own sexuality.

While I’ve always wanted regular sex, I very rarely feel horny because I rarely find people I am attracted to. Although I go through periods of masturbating regularly, I never really get turned on. Porn and erotica never do anything for me. I always assumed I would just need someone else there to get into it, and that proved to be true, but I wasn’t attracted to either of my partners (both men) and didn’t get much out of the sex. That hampered both my performance and enjoyment and only heightened the anxiety I feel due to my inexperience. I also feel somewhat bad for my partners who are having sex with someone who isn’t very into it.

Although frequent, casual sex is very enticing to me, I feel unable to engage because of my lack of experience. I’ve had a couple of people I find physically attractive show significant interest in me, but I’ve ignored their advances because of my performance anxiety surrounding my inexperience (especially since nobody expects me to be inexperienced). I don’t have any good answers to the question, “What turns you on?” and I basically never meet people I want to have sex with. While I am certainly not asexual, I’ve always felt that I don’t relate to sex in the same way other people do. I really like the idea of being somewhat dominant and teasing, but I don’t feel confident enough in my ability to please a partner to do that. I am also interested in being on the receiving end of that, but can’t find anyone I find attractive enough that I would enjoy it. I recognize the logical answer to my problems is simply to have more sex, but I can’t get myself into it enough to follow through. Help!

—Sexless and Anxious

Dear Sexless and Anxious,

While some people do start exploring sexuality earlier, and a subsection of those make an intensely energetic project of that quest for knowledge, your early 20s isn’t behind the average timeline. Plenty of people also wait until later decades to consider desire, preferences, and adventurous practices, or even to have sex at all.

I’m not so sure that the logical answer to your frustrations is as simple as “have more sex,” especially when you’re not into it enough to be able to proceed with the sex in question. You’re hardly ever aroused during masturbation or by potential partners. You’ve looked into asexuality and found the label doesn’t fit, and the reasons why it doesn’t might help you understand yourself a bit better. You can also dig into what’s been attractive or arousing on the rare occasions you have felt horny, or been physically drawn to someone. Another thing to consider is why you want regular sex. And getting more detail about what you like about the idea of domination (as the giver and as the recipient) is likely to be at least somewhat fruitful. All of those avenues can provide clues as to what might be interesting enough, or turn you on enough, to let go, push past fear of embarrassment, and gain the experience that leads to confidence. Having sex you have no interest in, or trying to do so, is highly unlikely to have the effect that you’re hoping for.

If you haven’t tried seeking out erotic material that depicts the kind of soft dominance and teasing that appeals to you, I’d give that some effort. If there are BDSM events that are on the more tame side, you can attend and decline to play unless someone seriously strikes your fancy, but observe to see whether anything turns you on. Otherwise, know that it’s quite common to be learning and finding your feet in your 20s, and hold out until a situation and specific partner actually turns you on.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 32-year-old woman, and I have a longstanding guy friend I’ve occasionally hooked up with who has been a consistently fun and supportive part of my life. Our once-in-a-blue-moon encounters have always been kinky with clear Dominant/submissive dynamics, which scratch my itch for being a sub, and he recently proposed something I’m very much considering. He’s always had a service sub fantasy and asked if I would be open to an arrangement where I come to his apartment semi-regularly and perform some domestic task (cooking, cleaning, etc.) while wearing only a thong and giving him non-reciprocal blowjobs in between. At the end, he’d slip me an envelope with some cash in it.

The wild part is, I find the idea of being used like that by this sweet, beautiful man to be really hot. He’s always been good to me, and I trust him implicitly, and it’s not like I haven’t gotten on my knees for him before. Like many of us nowadays, I also wouldn’t mind the money. Is there anything I should keep in mind before diving into what is basically role-play with money, or should I just enjoy getting paid for my mouth/cooking skills?

—Considering Being a Thong Maid

Dear Considering,

Other than the part where most governments and judicial systems would consider this arrangement to be full-blown, completely illegal prostitution, and the risk involved in such practices, it sounds like the communication between the two of you is clear, your boundaries are respected, and this would be a mutually enjoyable arrangement. While the perspective of the local law absolutely needs to be taken into account, you are completely free to see this arrangement in the light that you see it in—two views of the same event can be valid simultaneously.

But you have to be aware that you and your friend could open yourselves up to legal ramifications, and the courts are unlikely to be swayed by your stance that this is role-play with a bit of cash exchange at the end. It’s important that you both consider that risk very thoroughly before proceeding.

Share Your Story With How to Do It!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a woman in my 50s and have been in a committed relationship with my partner, a man in his 50s, for a year. My body seems to have awakened. By that, I mean, I’m suddenly ticklish (almost all over) and am enjoying him going down on me, which I previously used to avoid because it felt like a dog chewing a bone.

Although I enjoy it (especially if he starts softly), the heightened sensitivity is like torture, and I cannot take it for long and never come. My partner really wants to please me, and I have to tell him to stop because I can’t take it anymore. I laugh hard, writhe about, and am in hysterics. I try to control myself and can last a little longer, but I’m afraid that if I’m too successful, I will dampen all feeling. Any suggestions? I have no idea if I’m peri-menopausal.

—Ticklish Down Under

Dear Ticklish Down Under,

I’m wondering whether a slower approach, as in taking pauses when you start to giggle, might give you time to adjust to the sensations and your new way of experiencing them. It’s also worth trying increasingly firm sensations to see whether there’s an amount of pressure that allows you to feel sexual stimulation from your partner without being ticklish, and, ideally, in ways that are pleasurable for you. Clue your partner in on what you’re experiencing and what you’re hoping to achieve, and invite him to collaborate with you on experimenting with this. The fact that he’s motivated to please you means he’s probably up for the adventure of investigating.

—Jessica

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